Hmm... Where to start? I have been reflecting on being alone. I have done a lot of things on my own. I travelled through Europe for seven weeks by myself. (The picture above was a self-portrait taken in Kotor, Montenegro.) I have eaten at restaurants by myself. I recently attended a concert by myself. And I have attended numerous weddings by myself. Numerous. Ones where I haven't known anyone. Ones where I have. Even one on my birthday. (Don't get me wrong, occasionally, I have had a date. I am not that pathetic. :) Sometimes this is by choice and other times it is out of necessity. Sometimes it is fun, sometimes it is lonely, and oftentimes it is both. I am currently flying solo at a wedding 30 miles south of Tok, Alaska. Read: In the boonies. Really in the boonies. We are in the middle of the Yukon.
I took this picture on my evening walk. Consider it my own Walden Pond. So... I was thinking about what it means to fly solo at weddings and in general. Oftentimes, I have traveled to weddings alone, because I didn't have anyone I wanted to invite. Currently, I have a lovely boyfriend who just happens to be unavailable for most of wedding season, because he is farming. I have someone I love in my life, but much of our time is spent apart. I think alone with nobody is different than alone with somebody. I have not yet decided which is more challenging in social settings and at weddings.
Tomorrow, I will attend the wedding I travelled to the middle of nowhere for, because I want to support my dear friend. I will watch her get married, in her hometown, to the man she loves. I will insert myself into other's people conversations. I will make "friends," drink wine, and be mildly uncomfortable, because I don't have a partner to make small talk with. People won't know it, because I am outgoing and "social." Whatever that means. It is funny how people assume you are comfortable, because you are good at asking questions and making up crap to talk about. I am not comfortable attending events alone. I feel like I am imposing on everyone around me. But I do it, because staying home would be dull. I will take uncomfortable over dull anyday.
I guess there must be safety in numbers. It is amazing how comforting just sitting next to someone can be. At dinner tonight, the other guests at the lodge were surprised to hear I am travelling alone. The way people interact with a female travelling alone is much different than a couple. This is magnified at weddings, because many people feel sorry for you for some reason. Travelling alone builds character. I like my character, but sometimes I would like the opportunity to NOT have to make conversation with people I don't know, purely because I am the girl who is alone. Sometimes, I would like to fill a 14 hour travel day with interesting conversations and shared meals, rather than isolated reflection and Lara bars. Sometimes, I don't want to be strong and independent and alone. Sometimes, being alone kind of sucks.
But, the grass is always greener, right? Had I traveled all of this way with my spouse or loved one, I could have bickered with them the whole trip. I could long for quiet reflection. If I had someone by my side, I may have missed an opportunity to interact with someone amazing, because I wouldn't have "needed" to make conversation with anyone new. If I had been married for 10 years and had three kids in tow, I would be begging for a solo trip. The lesson is clear.
Lucky me. Being alone in the Alaskan wilderness is something people dream of. It is beautiful and serene. It is the perfect place for quiet reflection. (I had some great business ideas today.) I get to witness a wonderful woman tie the knot. I am going to work on enjoying my solitude and setting aside what I perceive as reactions of pity or imposition when those around me discover I'm alone. I am gong to remember that for half of the year, my lover is quite available and we get to spend lots of time together. And then I am going to sing in the shower, stop whenever I want, talk or not talk. Just because I can. Because I am all alone Woo hoo!
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